The Eyes that are Upon Me

She’s watching me, and the stakes are high.

I can speak holiness, but can I live it?

I can claim a change in heart, but can I choose to put it into action throughout the day?

I’m pressed, mauled, exhausted, drained…put through the masher.

The demands are huge, threatening to take me under.

But her eyes are upon me, observing either my short temper that seems justified by pressure and lack of sleep, or my firm resolve to speak in a quiet voice and touch with love.

This is a time not easily captured again. A new baby in the house; situations created and circumstances present not usually here. A unique time to show her how to nurture, to mother, how to handle a toddler as well as an infant.

My daughter is ten, the perfect transitional age. She is still a child, moldable, yet her eyes gaze hungrily at what her future might hold. Right now, she longs to be a mother. As she grows, the world will tell her that this desire is not enough, that mothering is worthless, that she must seek more in order to be fulfilled.

My responsibility, my challenge, my privilege – is to spend each day living the life before her. Of feeding, washing, changing the baby with grace as my companion and joy as my banner. Because she is watching, and my choices will affect her thoughts, her choices, her very manner of mothering some day.

I struggle, I fear, I faint with the task at hand some days. It is too hard, Lord. I still have strength to recover and the loss of sleep is heavily felt. The toddler is too energetic and screeches his needs at me while the babe cries to be changed. Primitive woman rises up, and threatens to erupt. Self lifts her head, demanding respite and seeking to be ugly.

He who has called me is faithful, however, and he will equip me moment by moment for the task. As she watches, she will see a mother who needs a Savior, a woman who must bow her head and ask for strength moment by moment. She will see a mama who values the baby, the toddler, the preschooler, the elementary child, the middlers, and the teenager with a deep, deep love; enough to spend her days loving, teaching and guiding them.

Father, for all of the eyes who are watching me, for all of the children you have blessed me with, for all whose parenting I will influence someday, help me to not be a shrew. Cover me with your grace, and your love, so that I may reflect YOUR character to my children. May I speak with love and kindness, and touch with tenderness.