What about Dad?

What about a father’s role in the family, as his wife carries their child throughout the pregnancy and then into the newborn days?

I have no desire to be contentious here, for I realize that some Dads are more hands on than others.  Some men have schedules which make it very hard to “be there” for their wife during the tough days of pregnancy.  Practically speaking, in a very young family, Daddy has to work very long and hard hours to support his family.  I’m also aware that in military families, Dad might not even be home for the baby’s birth.  I think that would be particularly difficult.

I believe, though, that if it is at all possible, a father needs to do his best to help his wife and be tender toward her as her body undergoes the process of growing and bringing forth life.

Having a first child is very special.  I remember those wonderful days.  Everything was so new, people treated me with new status.  I felt special.  My husband came to every doctor’s appointment with me.  We didn’t want him to miss a thing!  Once the baby came, he helped so much.  We were sure to split the work, the best that we could.  He got up at night with me, brought me the baby to nurse, changed diapers.

But when the second baby came along, and then a third, many of those special things were no longer possible.  He could not come to every appointment, he watched our first child instead.  He did not get up at night with the baby, but he DID get up with the toddler.  (And still does, 13 years later.)  I did not feel nearly as special, and no one treated me as such with the second child.  I felt a little sad at the time, thinking that the baby was getting cheated out of some Daddy time.   The dynamics just changed, and I needed to realize that.  I needed to be thankful for the things that my husband DID do to be involved, needed to enjoy his help in other ways.

I’m so thankful that my husband has continued to grow in tenderness toward me as we have children.  He has seen me at my worst, at my weakest, and has shouldered more and more of the burdens as the last month of pregnancy approaches.  He has taken responsibility for the older kids, organized them into a helpful army, given them a great picture of how a father loves a mother through her weakness.  I wish he could give seminars to other fathers, or at the least write books.  He has never indicated that having children is “my job,” so I’m on my own when it comes to figuring out how to “handle it all.”  He makes parenting a true partnership, from the beginning days on.  When he said “yes” to children, he meant it.  Having a baby isn’t just about creating a life.  It is about loving that child and its mother throughout their lives.

My husband is fabulous during the newborn days. And I love him more than I ever did for it.  Here are some suggestions for how a father can help.

• Time with the toddlers (baths, bedtime, reading, changing/dressing)
• Take a child with him when he runs errands (particularly the child who really NEEDS to get out of the house!)
• Meal preparation/clean up
• Laundry
• General house clean up
• Let mom sleep in a little later in the morning
• Make sure that mom gets a shower at some point in the day!
• Burping the baby.  My husband is pretty much the official baby burper when he is home.
• Coffee/Chocolate procurement.  Even if all else is neglected…
• Encouragement for those “post-baby” tears  (p.s., GUYS, tell her she is beautiful and that you are PROUD of her!
• Let go of the traditional “roles,” and just help out wherever help is needed.

Marriage is about serving one another in love, and I don’t see it simply as a woman serving her husband.  The pregnancy days and post-partum days are wonderful and even necessary days for a husband to practice selfless love.  The wife has worked so hard to give the gift of life – a beautiful gift that will bless the family forever.  It is so good to see a husband protectively love his wife and children in return.  I think this is how Yahweh meant for it to be from the beginning of time.  If the husband nurtures the wife and cherishes her, she will flourish.  He will be rewarded with a faithful love for all of his days.

What if a father isn’t naturally tender or nurturing?  There is no way to force him, it wouldn’t be beneficial to nag or complain.   Pray, talk, work on becoming good friends and communicators.  Have patience.  Laugh.  Forgive each other easily.  Try again.  So many things about marriage and parenthood take practice.  That’s another reason I’m thankful God led us to have so many children.  It has given us years and years of time to grow and learn and try again. 

The next two posts in the newborn series will feature some of the questions asked by readers in previous comment sections.

As always, I look forward to reading your thoughts.