Abraham Piper asks a great question.
But what do you do?
Do you and your spouse fight in front of your kids?
Tags: Let's Talk!
Abraham Piper asks a great question.
But what do you do?
Do you and your spouse fight in front of your kids?
Tags: Let's Talk!
May 13, 2008 at 10:20 pm |
Oh.
We never fight.
In front of the kids or elsewhere.
~
Now, lie compulsively…
That’s something I am working on.
*wink*
(Not gonna be first on this question!)
May 13, 2008 at 10:34 pm |
I am a definite believer in disagreeing/fighting in front of children. I’ve known too many people who never saw their parents fight and in adulthood have had such trouble learning how to deal with conflict/express anger. I’m sure there are *many* exceptions to this, but this has just been my experience.
So, yes, we do disagree/argue in front of the children AND work through the conflict and make up in front of them too. Now admittedly, my children are quite small, so I’m sure there will be things we do discuss in private in the future. But generally speaking, most conflicts come up during daily life and also resolved in daily life.
I think living the Gospel means having times of disagreement…and times of forgiveness and reconciliation. I really want my children to see and experience this and if everything is done behind closed doors, I would worry they would miss out on this.
Just my 2cents and I’m eager to hear everyone else’s perspectives!
May 13, 2008 at 10:59 pm |
Hmm, only occasionally but only because frankly, we seldom fight. We disagree, but almost never fight in the temper tantrum stomp off angry sort of way. We used to all the time but have both learned how to disagree gently. That is the only way I can think of to describe it. Mind you we used to scream at each other and not in a healthy get it out and work through it sort of way. In fact our marriage was in serious danger for a while. But now, well, God is good and changed both our hearts about a lot of things and now we talk about things all the time and seldom have an actual disagreement let alone something to fight about.
Mind you, we both come from divorced families where fighting was nasty and always in front of the kids plus lots more behind closed doors.
May 13, 2008 at 11:50 pm |
Heather,
We really, truly scarcely “fight”, either.
My husband’s family was always SO quiet – and in my family quiet usually meant “I’m really angry with you!” So we definitely had to work through our methods of agreement and disagreement in our early years. For the most part, though, we are just blessed with extreme compatibility. (I don’t think I’m just fooling myself, either…after 19 years we have become even more compatible.)
We DON’T fight in front of our children, particularly our small children. I grew up with fighting parents – and found a lot of fear in that. Now, Didi is talking (as I perceive it) about something entirely different…that is disagreement and the working through it.) Because I am unsure of how much small children can understand, and because I want their world to be so secure…it just has never been a practice of ours.
It feels fine, now, when we disagree about something in front of our older children – and they see that we can talk about it, maybe never completely agree, and still have a stable, healthy, unified marriage. They see that disagreement doesn’t have to mean heated, passionate, painful words…it can simply be a disagreement. (I would still hesitate – greatly – to involve them in anything stronger than that. I think it invites them to take sides, even quietly.) I remember as a teenager being ASKED to mediate between my parents…I think it made me handle crises and mediation better now…but it surely isn’t right to ask that of a child or even teen.
May 13, 2008 at 11:55 pm |
yep, we do. just like we kiss and make up and talk about most any subject under the sun, and pray and mourn and rejoice and, and, and. It’s part of life. It helps them to see that true love is unconditional. At times we realize that in disagreeing we have crossed the line of respect and honor and when that happens we are careful to apologise for our offense and enforce our love and respect for one another verbally to the kids (and each other).
May 14, 2008 at 12:08 am |
My experience is similar to yours, Holly. My husband and I are simply very compatible. We’ve been married 7 years and have yet to have a fight or argument. Sure, there are times of disagreement or misunderstanding, but I think that’s a lot different than arguing. We do strive to discuss disagreements out of earshot of our children, as our oldest is only 5. I also grew up with fighting parents and determined that my children would never experience the pain that I felt, nor would they be put in a position of having to choose sides as I was.
May 14, 2008 at 12:59 am |
We are so blessed in that we seldom get into a disagreement big enough to be classified as a “fight”.
Once in a while we argue in front of the children, but we make sure to be reassuring them that this isn’t a big deal, Mommy and Daddy love each other and we’ll work this out. We also apologize in front of the children when needed.
We’re not perfect, but our children are able to learn some things from us when we disagree. First, we don’t yell. Second, we don’t hit. Third, we don’t say “mean” things to try to hurt the other person. Fourth, if someone gets really angry, usually that person leaves for a while to cool off. We figure it’s better than options 1, 2, or 3.
It actually seems to be teaching our older children good ways to work things out.
There ya have it. The honest truth.
~Leah
May 14, 2008 at 1:52 am |
Oh you should ask this right after the first time we’ve had to face this issue, shouldn’t you?! I felt completely wrong trying to express my anger to and at my husband in front of our now 3 year old on Saturday. I tried to send her away and, thankfully, we kissed and the issue resolved itself pretty quickly, but what she saw, I hope to avoid her seeing again! :/ I am trying to teach them about anger and their displays of it, etc. I need to reread The Heart of Anger by Priolo again here since N is finally starting to act out in anger. O is already, so I know we’re going to have a battle in his heart for this. Me…I never saw anger/fighting/disagreeing done any other way than awful. I’m convinced this type of modeling is horrible for them. So, I need to keep things behind closed doors as I process for myself how to do this as a Christian seeking to honor God and my husband, now with kids. It’s a struggle for me, especially since my husband doesn’t fight. He’s ultra rational and completely unemotional. This often is brought up during our fights because I’m so angry he has no passion for what I do! lol.
So, I’m a work in progress and we rarely do have fights. Never before we married and twice since, like the one on Saturday in our five years. The first, well, my stroller doesn’t work right and it is a constant reminder of that day whenever I use it!
May 14, 2008 at 2:10 am |
I think another way of looking at it is: is anger allowed to be expressed in a healthy way? There seems to be 2 extremes: stuffing or spewing. Some families tend to stuff anger, giving strong messages anger is not an acceptable emotion. Or on the other extreme, anger is only expressed in completely terrifying, overwhelming, ways, giving the message that anger is so scary it should be avoided at all costs. Neither of these extremes really allow children to learn how to deal with angry feelings.
I know I have unhealthy views of anger myself, tending toward spewing. (I can relate to Jen S) This is something I am continually working on, learning how to sit with how I’m feeling, figuring out the feeling under the anger and dealing with that. I want our household to be a place where everyone can feel what they are feeling…and that anger can be expressed in healthy ways, ways that do not tend to the extremes, ways that do not hurt other people or themselves. Of course, the work starts with me though…I too am a work in progress in this area.
My husband and I do disagree and we do get angry at each other, of course, but we are learning how to do it calmly and learning to walk away when we get too upset, coming back later to really work it through. I have yelled (at my husband) in front of my small children and feel regret about that bc it made my child scared. It was a wakeup call for me to really work on my anger.
May 14, 2008 at 2:56 am |
Okay….for people with psychology degrees…(that would NOT be me…)
Can the expression of anger *ever* leave a child feeling secure? I do not know the answer to this.
May 14, 2008 at 3:06 am |
eeek we use to until God pulled me up and reminded me how I felt when my parents use to do the same…
May 14, 2008 at 3:22 am |
Holly, I think anger appropriately expressed is very empowering. When I do anger well, I will say to my child, “I am very angry right now. I need to take some time to myself.” I need to step away from the situation so I don’t lash out by yelling, which is my tendency.
I’ll take a minute for myself, calm down, figure out what I’m really feeling (hurt, sad, tired etc) and then take care of that. Then I’ll tell my child, “You know, mommy got angry because she was really sad that you ripped the beans out of the garden. Now, let’s see what we can do to fix it.” (And then figure out how to make sure my child does not do it again.) I took time to calm myself down, acknowledge what is going on within myself, and then I took care of the situation calmly.
So, you don’t displace your anger on the child, but rather you deal with it…after all, it’s your anger, not your child’s . The child sees that their action impacted you, but they also see that you handled it in a way that honors both self and child. The child is not scared because they can trust that you can take care of your anger in way that does not harm/threaten them. It actually opens the door for apologizing and asking forgiveness and then reconciliation.
I work with a population who really struggles with the expression of anger. They do not feel like they can be angry (they like seeing themselves as very “nice”), but instead the anger sits just beneath the surface, wreaking so much havoc on their lives. It gets expressed indirectly through very damaging ways. So, teaching them how to acknowledge their anger, set boundaries, and clearly express it is a huge task. But in working with them, it’s also a good reminder to me to do the same.
I’m sure there are other psychology/social work people out there too with some good ideas or who can explain better than me.
May 14, 2008 at 3:32 am |
Okay, I hear what you are saying Didi.
I guess I would view what you described as an appropriate dealing with anger, not as an expression of anger.
It probably would be helpful for this conversation for me to define the words “anger” and “fight.”
But I can’t right now…baby on lap, 6th grader who needs help with math, and supper to make! Anyone else who wants to copy and paste here, or to take a stab at these definitions, go ahead! 
May 14, 2008 at 5:31 am |
We don’t fight. We might argue, but really no one is mad. The few times we let the teasing fighting go too far upset our oldest daughter terribly. And we weren’t even mad!!!
I’m afraid they won’t learn how to “fight” at this house, but hopefully they will learn something about submission and caring for each other.
May 14, 2008 at 6:23 am |
Yes, we have spoken judgmental or angry words to each other in front of our children. If we don’t apologize and ask for forgiveness in front of the kids, then we tell them that we have done so later and also ask for their forgiveness (because we sinned against them as well.)
May 14, 2008 at 7:10 am |
Not anymore, but when the kids were younger we did. I regret having done so. My kids have told me outright that it scared them when we fought, especially if we were obviously angry. We too have had to ask for their forgiveness for putting them through that. As we’ve grown up we’ve learned how to disagree and not have it turn into a fight. I think it’s ok for the kids to see us work through differences of opinion and work towards unity.
May 14, 2008 at 7:27 am |
This is something my husband and I have definately been guilty of and it does not have a good effect on the kids. After 16 years of marriage it is something that does not happen as often.
This does not mean we do not disagree in front of the kids, but no more shouting or carrying on.
Ann
May 14, 2008 at 7:39 am |
I seriously do not remember our last argument or even disagreement. Must be gettin’ old.
(And I’m married to a really mellow guy.) I have been thinking about this all day, though.
May 14, 2008 at 8:33 am |
I too have been thinking these things over all day as well.
You asked about expressing anger and having children feeling secure. How about when you yell at your child when they dart into the street. You yell bc you’re angry, but underneath that, you are afraid. Your anger stops your child in his tracks and prevents him from harm. Jesus got angry in the temple and probably scared people as he was throwing things around. I do not think he ever apologized for this “righteous anger”. I don’t have any conclusions or deep thoughts on that, just bringing it up in case others do.
Wow, I’m impressed you can’t remember your last disagreement! Hmm, now that I think about it, I can’t either, but that is more about my bad memory than anything. We used to fight *a lot* about DH’s family, but we’ve finally come to some peace about that. Neither my husband nor I are mellow.
May 14, 2008 at 9:19 am |
Okay, Mr. Big Shot husband is home from work and since he is a family counselor for a private social services company I asked him the question.
And we fought.
(Okay. Not really. Just kidding.)
He says…disagreements, sure.
Anger? Disrespectful, shouldn’t do it in front of the children.
I think there are a lot of facets to this question. Since it deals specifically with the parent/child relationship, though, I’ll try to stick with that. I think that a child can handle a sibling being angry with him/her, can even handle a parent being angry with him/her because they did something “stupid or harmful,” but it is especially upsetting to see or hear parents FIGHT. (And that differentiates between disagreements and fights.) I think kids fear deep down that their parents might leave each other, that their home won’t be secure. I think that arguing could rouse that fear. My home as a child had SO much fighting, I determined that mine would not when I grew up. (I knew I would never marry an angry or dominating person.) It also determined my parenting from the very beginning. Kids could say how they felt…THAT was not a problem. Saying it in an angry, hateful manner WAS a problem, and just isn’t allowed. Say what you need to – but be respectful…that’s kind of a motto here.
We all come from such different backgrounds, don’t we? We have to sort through how we were raised, and try to mesh that with how our spouses were raised…try to find a healthy, God honoring balance in there somewhere! It can be a challenge, especially in the early years of a marriage. I DO know that God can change angry personalities, as well, so that is a hopeful thing.
Those are just my thoughts – not based upon science or facts or anything. Anyone have any thoughts on those thoughts?
May 14, 2008 at 10:14 am |
I totally agree with you, Holly. I grew up in a family where there was some fighting, but not a lot. We always knew our parents loved each other and that they were committed to one another and that made me feel so secure.
I completely agree about the respect part. Yes, you can share how you feel, if you are angry etc but it must be done with respect. That is what we are aiming for around here, both with our marriage and teaching our little ones (who are already fighting, ahem…)
And good for you for being determined to make changes and doing things differently than how you were raised. I admire you for that.
May 14, 2008 at 12:27 pm |
I echo Didi’s comments! I do not ever remember feeling insecure with fighting in our home! And that is how I have taken it into our family – we fight/argue (verbal disagreements, not swearing, physical) in front of the kids and we also make up, say we are sorry and ask for forgiveness. It is interesting how much we bring from our childhood into our roles as parents, be it good or bad.
Anger is definitely expressed in our family. We are teaching our children it is okay to be angry but they are not to hurt others, themselves or anything. They can hit pillows only and take some time out in the “calming chair.” It does seem to work…although I have to remind myself of these techniques sometimes..taking a few minutes out, etc. Our actions do speak louder than any words spoken!
May 14, 2008 at 11:12 pm |
My husband grew up in a home with divorce, alchohol, anger and fighting. I grew up in a home where my parents didn’t fight, but there was passive aggressive anger, and a controlling mother. So we both started out with some dysfunctional communication practices, but we communicate pretty well now. We are both pretty passionate, so a verbal disagreement can escalate quickly, but be resolved quickly as well. We have more than a few times needed to apologize to the kids for getting angry and fighting in front of them, and we apologize to one another in front of them as well. I cannot think of one time my Mom ever apologized to me for anything as a child, so I hope they will learn from our repentance and forgiveness even as we are sinners.
May 14, 2008 at 11:52 pm |
Saying “I’m Sorry” is probably one of the most important things a parent can do….
May 15, 2008 at 3:25 am |
My hubby also said last night…
“Do you realize that the only times we have ever fought is when one of us is being selfish?”
(I added in that I remembered a *few* times when we were overly exhausted.)
But urgh…he’s right, I think.
As we strive to live by the Holy Spirit and to lay down our lives for the betterment of the other one, there is ever less to fight about in a marriage. This is something we are trying to translate for our children…
May 15, 2008 at 7:52 am |
Late coming back to this but I had a thought. My parents fought a lot in private (we knew) and yelled at us because they were fighting in private. We saw our parents AFTER the fight–my mom crying and needing comfort from children because my dad can NOT be wrong, my dad angrily driving away or working in the garage away from everyone. They didn’t FIGHT in front of us but both of them tried to get us on their side of the argument and used us against each other, at times taking breaks from each other and splitting my brother and I apart so they could each have one. When I was in college they fought behind doors and then called me and complained about each other and their relationship. They were both discontent and selfish and it showed constantly. At 27 years of marriage they divorced. It took me years to learn not to be contentious and selfish, to stop gainsaying every, single, thing my husband said and once I got over that and over being horribly discontent (sheer determination and God) there was no more fighting. Not outright anger and if there is (so seldom) we handle it as we expect our children to handle it and forgive and say we are sorry as soon as possible and visibly.
June 7, 2008 at 5:19 pm |
My parents spent most of their time yelling at each other while I grew up. Now 21 years later I dont have a relationship with them. Don’t let disagreements get in the way of raising your children.